I lived in a house with mummy and dad and Ahmet and Elsa. We were a happy family - we went to camping, picnicking, jungle trekking and shopping and travelling together. we spent most of our time as siblings who loved each other no matter how long it took to recover from a 'war'. i admired my big bro the most. when we were kids, i liked to have the same pattern of clothes. i wore jeans when he had one, i had lots of sneakers, just wanted to look alike...just like Ahmet.
once, mummy bought a Spider man suite for him. i cried for the whole day for not having the same superhero garment. then dad gave me the black one completed with the mask that have pointed ears, Batman. I kissed dad's cheeks and said '' I love you daddy !"
one morning, i woke from bed. i didn't see my plastic gun. where is it ? where did i put it ? i can't lose it now ! i promised to play 'police entry' game with Harris. i searched it without brushing my teeth or washing my face. i didn't bother about that.i looked over the cupboard, under the sofa, behind the fridge and inside mummy's vases. i couldn't find it. then Ahmet realized i was searching for something.
" u search for your toy, didn't u ?"
" ya but it's hard to find it in this big house. " i started making duck face.
" never mind i'll help u " and he went upstairs.
a few minutes later, i went inside his room and accidentally, i saw what i was searching for all this morning. under his bed. why on earth he helped me to find it when he knew it was here ? hell ya big bro !
Ahmet entered his bedroom and saw i was looking at him like a hungry police dog.
" where did..."
" liar ! i knew you took it from me ! you are being jealous of me ! "
" no ! that's mine ! " he answered me back.
" it is mine ! " i yelled. he snatched the gun from me. i took it back. but he refused to give up. i bit his hand and placed it at my back.
we struggled long enough for mummy to notice. she stopped us and made us forgave each other. that evening, we played the ' police and thief' game together with Harris and Abu. no matter how serious we argued, we had always practiced what grandpa Max taught us.
but that was an old times story. today and for this recent years, we had been utterly different. i was dumb founded. since we went to high schools and staying at the hostel for like ages, maybe. we barely meet each other. and hardly talk.
during school holidays, we usually minded our own business - he went busking with his mates, practising his new guitar skills and whatnot. i had no idea about an indie band. but i wondered, what made him to be like that - not saying anything to us even we bumped at the stairs, did not have any expression on his face when we told him stories ? why ? why ?
did Ahmet has a girlfriend ? i didn't care.
things got more complicated when he decided to further his studies in astrophysics. on 17th of June, we sent him at the airport. it was hard for everybody to let the big guy go to Arkansas by himself, who had no experience on travelling on his own, at all.
there he went, saying farewell to us.
* * *
i was tidying Ahmet's room which was full of spider webs and dust and everything. i looked through his room. empty. just a few of his belongings - a music band poster, unwanted t-shirts, Jimmy Khang's skateboard that he kept and...... what ?! wilted flowers ? ohh please. those must be from his 'hard-die' girl fans. he was such a loser for keeping all the lovey dovey thingy.
i knew he was popular. well, he was a famous guitarist back in the high school. i read some letter that were put together with the bouquets of flowers.
'.......u are being so great ! i love ur performance '
' u were like Travis McCoy on stage ! '
'....... i liked u since we were in the second grade. i dont know if u realize about my existent or not.... '
i smiled. he was the ultimate loser ever ! even i had never receive that kind of stuff.
then, i spotted a weird paper on top of a table. i took it and unfolded the dusty paper. my heart thudded so hard that i could hardly breath
' to mom ;
you are the greatest mom ever ! i'm very grateful that i have someone to share about my feelings, my super hard life with a caring and a best listener like you. you've been the best chef in my world, you cooked so well that i grew up with a body like The Rock ( i wish i had ) . thanks, my love will never end for you.
dad ;
i just loved when we talked about cars and engines, but i wished you loved to look at the drop dead gorgeous sky with its shining stars. somehow, you are still my idol. i wondered how you changed your family from the hard life to now. your siblings must have owed you a lot. grandpa and grandma sure be proud of you. i want to be someone, just like you. thanks a lot for inspiring my life.
my dearest sisters ;
how i wish we can make life just like when we were kids. i'm so sorry if life's being so hard without me being a good brother. i hope i could join the two of you making jokes, pointing each others head when Elsa or you put the blame on each other, sharing good times together..... you know. just like the old time. damn, i miss the moment, sisters. i am so jealous that i dont have any idea how to join you girls, it's hard. since we went to high schools, i rarely talk to you Joanne. i realized it. i found it was.......ughhh. i'm speechless. but i want both of you, Joanne and Elsa,to know how high i put you guys in my heart. i'm so sorry.
make our parents proud. i'm counting on you.
lots of love,
AHMED .
my tears dropped. i couldn't stop them. i was touched that i had never thought about him wanted to be part of us behind his expressionless face. he had never show his feelings whether to laugh or sad or bored or whatever.
i sat on his soft bed, thinking. i had a brother, now i felt like i never had one. but i flushed the thought away from my mind. i wanted to have him back, no matter what. i was his little sister and i am still, now. i wanted to make our family merry again when he come back from Arkansas.
now, he is back. he looked almost like Fateh Seferagic. and this is the new Ahmet. i recognize the way he talk, the way he smile to us is totally different. i should have thank God for fulfilling my hopes. i got my big bro back !
but then i figure out so many things.
that it is just for the time being.
that my big bro that i wanted for all the hard years has a serious illness.
that he will be going soon, far away from me, from everybody else.
that he come back just to say good bye, for the second time.
that he went to Arkansas for his second last stage of brain cancer.
the word itself make me shiver. i'm not ready for this.
' Dear God,
what kind of challenge you are testing me ? '
forgive and forget.
but that was an old times story. today and for this recent years, we had been utterly different. i was dumb founded. since we went to high schools and staying at the hostel for like ages, maybe. we barely meet each other. and hardly talk.
during school holidays, we usually minded our own business - he went busking with his mates, practising his new guitar skills and whatnot. i had no idea about an indie band. but i wondered, what made him to be like that - not saying anything to us even we bumped at the stairs, did not have any expression on his face when we told him stories ? why ? why ?
did Ahmet has a girlfriend ? i didn't care.
things got more complicated when he decided to further his studies in astrophysics. on 17th of June, we sent him at the airport. it was hard for everybody to let the big guy go to Arkansas by himself, who had no experience on travelling on his own, at all.
there he went, saying farewell to us.
* * *
i was tidying Ahmet's room which was full of spider webs and dust and everything. i looked through his room. empty. just a few of his belongings - a music band poster, unwanted t-shirts, Jimmy Khang's skateboard that he kept and...... what ?! wilted flowers ? ohh please. those must be from his 'hard-die' girl fans. he was such a loser for keeping all the lovey dovey thingy.
i knew he was popular. well, he was a famous guitarist back in the high school. i read some letter that were put together with the bouquets of flowers.
'.......u are being so great ! i love ur performance '
' u were like Travis McCoy on stage ! '
'....... i liked u since we were in the second grade. i dont know if u realize about my existent or not.... '
i smiled. he was the ultimate loser ever ! even i had never receive that kind of stuff.
then, i spotted a weird paper on top of a table. i took it and unfolded the dusty paper.
' to mom ;
you are the greatest mom ever ! i'm very grateful that i have someone to share about my feelings, my super hard life with a caring and a best listener like you. you've been the best chef in my world, you cooked so well that i grew up with a body like The Rock ( i wish i had ) . thanks, my love will never end for you.
dad ;
i just loved when we talked about cars and engines, but i wished you loved to look at the drop dead gorgeous sky with its shining stars. somehow, you are still my idol. i wondered how you changed your family from the hard life to now. your siblings must have owed you a lot. grandpa and grandma sure be proud of you. i want to be someone, just like you. thanks a lot for inspiring my life.
my dearest sisters ;
how i wish we can make life just like when we were kids. i'm so sorry if life's being so hard without me being a good brother. i hope i could join the two of you making jokes, pointing each others head when Elsa or you put the blame on each other, sharing good times together..... you know. just like the old time. damn, i miss the moment, sisters. i am so jealous that i dont have any idea how to join you girls, it's hard. since we went to high schools, i rarely talk to you Joanne. i realized it. i found it was.......ughhh. i'm speechless. but i want both of you, Joanne and Elsa,to know how high i put you guys in my heart. i'm so sorry.
make our parents proud. i'm counting on you.
lots of love,
AHMED .
my tears dropped. i couldn't stop them. i was touched that i had never thought about him wanted to be part of us behind his expressionless face. he had never show his feelings whether to laugh or sad or bored or whatever.
i sat on his soft bed, thinking. i had a brother, now i felt like i never had one. but i flushed the thought away from my mind. i wanted to have him back, no matter what. i was his little sister and i am still, now. i wanted to make our family merry again when he come back from Arkansas.
now, he is back. he looked almost like Fateh Seferagic. and this is the new Ahmet. i recognize the way he talk, the way he smile to us is totally different. i should have thank God for fulfilling my hopes. i got my big bro back !
but then i figure out so many things.
that it is just for the time being.
that my big bro that i wanted for all the hard years has a serious illness.
that he will be going soon, far away from me, from everybody else.
that he come back just to say good bye, for the second time.
that he went to Arkansas for his second last stage of brain cancer.
the word itself make me shiver. i'm not ready for this.
' Dear God,
what kind of challenge you are testing me ? '
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